Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Stressful Week
The primary reason this semester is so stressful is my class schedule - most days I start school at 1pm, but on Monday and Thursday I have class at 9am. The irregularity throws off my sleep schedule and inevitably I stay up Sunday night until 4am, get up at 8am and go to school; however, on Monday I also have a German class in the late afternoon, after a three hour break.
I'm required to take 2 years of a foreign language because I didn't study a foreign language as part of my under-graduate degree. It doesn't seem to matter that I already speak Spanish, and quite a bit of German and Chinese. (Chinese, incidentally, doesn't count for this requirement because it isn't "foreign". Japanese would have been too hard because of the characters, so I chose German). The credit doesn't count for a grade, I only need to have a "Pass" mark...and because I've studied German before (a year in high school and six months with Inga, my German girlfriend I met in Malta), the class is pretty easy for me. For all these reasons combined, and because this Monday I was also sick, I missed German class for the 3rd time this semester. The teacher told my classmate to tell me that, as she'd warned us at the beginning of the semester, my three absences forbade me from taking the final exam.
I could go off on a long tangent about the futility of "attendance"...I know, I know, 90% of life is just showing up...but give me a break - showing up to class is an imprisonment. I trade two hours a week of my physical presence, practicing what I don't need to practice, for a language ability requirement that has nothing to do with my actual language abilities. And if I miss too many episodes (even if I score higher than everyone else on the tests) I'm forbidden the credit. What is education? What should be rewarded - knowledge, talent, or effort? Should those students who try very very hard get a higher grade than those students who don't need to try hard, who learn easily and effortlessly?
At any rate - you can't beat the system. If I don't have that credit, I'll have to retake it next year. So I tracked my professor down and apologized to her and asked her about make-up work - luckily, I caught her in the middle of teaching another German class, which she let me sit in on for the day, and now everything is square. (I'm lucky, because it was an easy solution to a big problem.)
Last night, I got an email saying I still owed tuition (which I thought I'd already paid). Apparently there was a 'tuition' and a 'course fee' - I didn't know that I was paying per class rather than a flat fee. So I owe $600usd. That doesn't sound like a lot, but its $20,000nt in Taiwan, which is how much a lot of people earn in a month. I was trying hard to save up to pay tuition NEXT semester, so this came as somewhat of a blow.....but then I also found out today that I will probably get my scholarship through the summer, which is really, really great news and far outweighs the extra tuition.
I don't know why I'm rambling about my problems. My brain feels too full recently, there's too much going on, too much to do and too much to think about. I've been reading "Life and Times of Michael K", a fascinating book about a guy who just wants to be left alone, who goes and hides in a cave and grows pumpkins to live on and nearly starves himself to death because he just wants to lay down and do absolutely nothing all the time. Right now that's sounding pretty good to me. However, I've got to finish this semester first. I noticed in class today, I'm starting to "Mimic" the academic language myself, which is pretty good. It makes it sound like I know what I'm talking about - and maybe I do. Today I brought up Wittgenstein's theory of DaSein in a discussion about being, and correctly used the term "Symbolic Order", an overused expression in literary criticism which comes from Lacanian Psychoanalysis, and refers to the organizing effects of language.
I'm required to take 2 years of a foreign language because I didn't study a foreign language as part of my under-graduate degree. It doesn't seem to matter that I already speak Spanish, and quite a bit of German and Chinese. (Chinese, incidentally, doesn't count for this requirement because it isn't "foreign". Japanese would have been too hard because of the characters, so I chose German). The credit doesn't count for a grade, I only need to have a "Pass" mark...and because I've studied German before (a year in high school and six months with Inga, my German girlfriend I met in Malta), the class is pretty easy for me. For all these reasons combined, and because this Monday I was also sick, I missed German class for the 3rd time this semester. The teacher told my classmate to tell me that, as she'd warned us at the beginning of the semester, my three absences forbade me from taking the final exam.
I could go off on a long tangent about the futility of "attendance"...I know, I know, 90% of life is just showing up...but give me a break - showing up to class is an imprisonment. I trade two hours a week of my physical presence, practicing what I don't need to practice, for a language ability requirement that has nothing to do with my actual language abilities. And if I miss too many episodes (even if I score higher than everyone else on the tests) I'm forbidden the credit. What is education? What should be rewarded - knowledge, talent, or effort? Should those students who try very very hard get a higher grade than those students who don't need to try hard, who learn easily and effortlessly?
At any rate - you can't beat the system. If I don't have that credit, I'll have to retake it next year. So I tracked my professor down and apologized to her and asked her about make-up work - luckily, I caught her in the middle of teaching another German class, which she let me sit in on for the day, and now everything is square. (I'm lucky, because it was an easy solution to a big problem.)
Last night, I got an email saying I still owed tuition (which I thought I'd already paid). Apparently there was a 'tuition' and a 'course fee' - I didn't know that I was paying per class rather than a flat fee. So I owe $600usd. That doesn't sound like a lot, but its $20,000nt in Taiwan, which is how much a lot of people earn in a month. I was trying hard to save up to pay tuition NEXT semester, so this came as somewhat of a blow.....but then I also found out today that I will probably get my scholarship through the summer, which is really, really great news and far outweighs the extra tuition.
I don't know why I'm rambling about my problems. My brain feels too full recently, there's too much going on, too much to do and too much to think about. I've been reading "Life and Times of Michael K", a fascinating book about a guy who just wants to be left alone, who goes and hides in a cave and grows pumpkins to live on and nearly starves himself to death because he just wants to lay down and do absolutely nothing all the time. Right now that's sounding pretty good to me. However, I've got to finish this semester first. I noticed in class today, I'm starting to "Mimic" the academic language myself, which is pretty good. It makes it sound like I know what I'm talking about - and maybe I do. Today I brought up Wittgenstein's theory of DaSein in a discussion about being, and correctly used the term "Symbolic Order", an overused expression in literary criticism which comes from Lacanian Psychoanalysis, and refers to the organizing effects of language.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
ArtFest
I wrote a little about this on my other blog, the one for my art. It was a grand affair. I have school tomorrow morning but am not ready to sleep. I'm counting down the days until I finish this semester, quit my jobs and private tutoring, and have a bit of adventure. I've gotten far too busy for comfort. Not that I'm doing anything. But having so much to do robs my time of its slow and beautiful passing.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Yesterday it was raining
It was raining hard yesterday and the day before. Many parts of our apartment face outside and have no windows - and even those parts with sliding screen doors are not immune to the water, which builds up outside, inches upon inches until it can leak through the vacuous joints of the old building and flood the interior. Not that I mind - I just let it flood, and then let it dry. The result is MOLD. Hard to keep things dry here. Mold is common. Military planes have been flying overhead, bearing their brawn, convincing the Taiwanese that they are prepared for a war with China. A few weeks ago the government did a computer analysis of war strategies and concluded that in a year war, Taiwan wouldn't lose.
Downstairs someone is wailing terrible karaoke. A woman and a man. It sounds a little like native American chants, but with amplifiers, reverb and off-key singing. Lots of warbling. They are singing for the god that sits at the end of the alleyway, whose temple I can see from my bedroom window. Nobody else sees him; the alley is out-of-the-way. If his handful of devotees didn't visit constantly, burning paper money, performing in front of him, then he would get bored. I'm on the 5th floor, but the noise carries for blocks.
"Pearl Harbor" has been playing constantly on TV, several times a day. It's even harder to take the obese patriotism now than it was the first time, having just read "Obasan" and "No-No Boy", which talk about how America and Canada rounded up all of the citizens of Japanese heritage and through them in disgusting concentration camps, forced them to live like animals while at the same time seizing all of their properties and bank accounts - most of which was redistributed to whites. And that was all before the dreadful atom bombs which peeled the flesh from their skins. Go America.
Tonight I'm teaching idioms to my private student.
Downstairs someone is wailing terrible karaoke. A woman and a man. It sounds a little like native American chants, but with amplifiers, reverb and off-key singing. Lots of warbling. They are singing for the god that sits at the end of the alleyway, whose temple I can see from my bedroom window. Nobody else sees him; the alley is out-of-the-way. If his handful of devotees didn't visit constantly, burning paper money, performing in front of him, then he would get bored. I'm on the 5th floor, but the noise carries for blocks.
"Pearl Harbor" has been playing constantly on TV, several times a day. It's even harder to take the obese patriotism now than it was the first time, having just read "Obasan" and "No-No Boy", which talk about how America and Canada rounded up all of the citizens of Japanese heritage and through them in disgusting concentration camps, forced them to live like animals while at the same time seizing all of their properties and bank accounts - most of which was redistributed to whites. And that was all before the dreadful atom bombs which peeled the flesh from their skins. Go America.
Tonight I'm teaching idioms to my private student.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Mimicry and TOEFL
I have some students preparing for the TOEFL exam, so I was wondering how best to help them out. Most schools that teach TOEFL preparation are actually teaching tricks on how to "guess correctly" - looking out for specific patterns, and using knowledge of the testing format that TOEFL employs to get a feel for the probable answer - rather than actually teaching English. On the one hand, this is probably very effective. People who learn these tricks will undoubtedly get higher scores than the students who try, through conversation or newspaper reading, to quickly improve their English ability. However, using these high test schools to get into schools or to get jobs will be misleading. It's almost like cheating.
Last night I ran into a guy at the grocery store (both of us doing our shopping after midnight) and we had a very long conversation about all kinds of things, during which he claimed that all Taiwanese people cheat on everything, all the time. They copy notes and tests from previous years, trying to reproduce the "right" answers - and who can blame them? They could stagger off into their own independent territory, trying to do it all on their own, and they will undoubtedly get lower grades. Since grades in Taiwan completely rule your entire future, with no exceptions, nobody can afford the risk of independence. Learn what works. Learn the right answer. Not the process.
But is this cheating? One of my student's other teachers gave him a list of grammatically correct sentences to use during essay writing. He was supposed to memorize the sentences and then copy them into his essay whenever possible. He asked if this was a good idea, and I said that it was: trying to express their own thoughts freely, they will translate from the Chinese and the grammar will be very difficult to sift through. The meaning will get lost, the paper will be obtuse and difficult to read. Learning the structure of many common English sentences, for transitions and things, will really help. Sure, the writing will be rough, fragmented, and disconnected. It may seem starchy or false. But at least there's a chance of getting the meaning across. Throwing the grammar around changes all of the meaning in English, and with many sentences together, meaning gets lost (I know, I've had to correct some papers).
Likewise, in my classes, I sometimes wonder if my classmates aren't "mimicking", or learning and reproducing the target language rather than fully understanding it. But then, what does it mean to "fully understand" something? If they know the right technical jargon and they employ it correctly, grammatically, in relevant discourse (sometimes I'm surprised how well they can do this - I usually reduce all concepts into very simple English) what separates them from native speakers?
Last night I ran into a guy at the grocery store (both of us doing our shopping after midnight) and we had a very long conversation about all kinds of things, during which he claimed that all Taiwanese people cheat on everything, all the time. They copy notes and tests from previous years, trying to reproduce the "right" answers - and who can blame them? They could stagger off into their own independent territory, trying to do it all on their own, and they will undoubtedly get lower grades. Since grades in Taiwan completely rule your entire future, with no exceptions, nobody can afford the risk of independence. Learn what works. Learn the right answer. Not the process.
But is this cheating? One of my student's other teachers gave him a list of grammatically correct sentences to use during essay writing. He was supposed to memorize the sentences and then copy them into his essay whenever possible. He asked if this was a good idea, and I said that it was: trying to express their own thoughts freely, they will translate from the Chinese and the grammar will be very difficult to sift through. The meaning will get lost, the paper will be obtuse and difficult to read. Learning the structure of many common English sentences, for transitions and things, will really help. Sure, the writing will be rough, fragmented, and disconnected. It may seem starchy or false. But at least there's a chance of getting the meaning across. Throwing the grammar around changes all of the meaning in English, and with many sentences together, meaning gets lost (I know, I've had to correct some papers).
Likewise, in my classes, I sometimes wonder if my classmates aren't "mimicking", or learning and reproducing the target language rather than fully understanding it. But then, what does it mean to "fully understand" something? If they know the right technical jargon and they employ it correctly, grammatically, in relevant discourse (sometimes I'm surprised how well they can do this - I usually reduce all concepts into very simple English) what separates them from native speakers?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Career Plans
I realized today that I only have about 3 more weeks of class before finals. Yikes! My first semester is finished! I learned a lot, but not nearly as much as I could have. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I've done all that much in the past 10 months. I've been a little depressed recently, but only because I'm letting myself drown under the weight of the next 30 years until I can retire. Unlike normal students, I'm not worrying about the classes or the tests (which I know I can handle very well). Instead, I'm worrying about the kind of professor I will be, what kind of job I will get and if I'll enjoy it, where I will live, in what country, whether to buy a house or not, how much I can expect to save...
It's just too much, of course its crazy. I have to live much longer before I can think about retiring. Besides, the reason thinking about an academic career leads me to existential angst is that it isn't really fulfilling any of my life goals. I don't want to be a professor. I want to be a writer - but in the meantime, I should be 'doing' something for money, and teaching at a university seems like a pretty sweet gig. I'd much rather be talking about Jung's archetypes of Lacanian symbols or Postmodernity than teaching grammar to children. (So I think...but now I wonder, could I fill up three hours just talking about a novel the way my professor's can? Will I ever be able to? At least teaching kids you have structured materials and lesson plans.) I have a part-time job right now teaching adults which I thought was absolutely perfect when I got it. I can talk about anything I want. But I have to spend about an hour to prepare the lesson plan, and it seems I'm always anxious because its something else I have to do - one of the dozens of things I'm juggling. Teaching bushiban (cramschools) you just walk in, teach, and walk out. Nothing comes home with you.
At any rate: I'm allowing myself to be intimidated by the very highest examples, but the truth is there are lots of professors who aren't great teachers. And although I often feel like I'm not smart enough to be an "expert", I'm able to figure out what's going on most of the time - I can even read Derrida if I try hard enough. Which makes me feel that I'll always feel at home in a University.
It's just too much, of course its crazy. I have to live much longer before I can think about retiring. Besides, the reason thinking about an academic career leads me to existential angst is that it isn't really fulfilling any of my life goals. I don't want to be a professor. I want to be a writer - but in the meantime, I should be 'doing' something for money, and teaching at a university seems like a pretty sweet gig. I'd much rather be talking about Jung's archetypes of Lacanian symbols or Postmodernity than teaching grammar to children. (So I think...but now I wonder, could I fill up three hours just talking about a novel the way my professor's can? Will I ever be able to? At least teaching kids you have structured materials and lesson plans.) I have a part-time job right now teaching adults which I thought was absolutely perfect when I got it. I can talk about anything I want. But I have to spend about an hour to prepare the lesson plan, and it seems I'm always anxious because its something else I have to do - one of the dozens of things I'm juggling. Teaching bushiban (cramschools) you just walk in, teach, and walk out. Nothing comes home with you.
At any rate: I'm allowing myself to be intimidated by the very highest examples, but the truth is there are lots of professors who aren't great teachers. And although I often feel like I'm not smart enough to be an "expert", I'm able to figure out what's going on most of the time - I can even read Derrida if I try hard enough. Which makes me feel that I'll always feel at home in a University.
Career Plans
I realized today that I only have about 3 more weeks of class before finals. Yikes! My first semester is finished! I learned a lot, but not nearly as much as a could have. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I've done all that much in the past 10 months. I've been a little depressed recently, but only because I'm letting myself drown under the weight of the next 30 years until I can retire. Unlike normal students, I'm not worrying about the classes or the tests (which I know I can handle very well). Instead, I'm worrying about the kind of professor I will be, what kind of job I will get and if I'll enjoy it, where I will live, in what country, whether to buy a house or not, how much I can expect to save...
It's just too much, of course its crazy. I have to live much longer before I can think about retiring. Besides, the reason thinking about an academic career is that it isn't really fulfilling any of my life goals. I don't want to be a professor. I want to be a writer - but in the meantime, I should be 'doing' something for money, and teaching at a university seems like a pretty sweet gig. I'd much rather be talking about Jung's archetypes of Lacanian symbols or Postmodernity than teaching grammar to children. (So I think...but now I wonder, could I fill up three hours just talking about a novel the way my professor's can? Will I ever be able to? At least teaching kids you have structured materials and lesson plans.) I have a part-time job right now teaching adults which I thought was absolutely perfect when I got it. I can talk about anything I want. But I have to spend about an hour to prepare the lesson plan, and it seems I'm always anxious because its something else I have to do - one of the dozens of things I'm juggling. Teaching bushiban (cramschools) you just walk in, teach, and walk out. Nothing comes home with you.
At any rate: I'm allowing myself to be intimidated by the very highest examples, but the truth is there are lots of professors who aren't great teachers. And although I often feel like I'm not smart enough to be an "expert", I'm able to figure out what's going on most of the time - I can even read Derrida if I try hard enough. Which makes me feel that I'll always feel at home in a University.
It's just too much, of course its crazy. I have to live much longer before I can think about retiring. Besides, the reason thinking about an academic career is that it isn't really fulfilling any of my life goals. I don't want to be a professor. I want to be a writer - but in the meantime, I should be 'doing' something for money, and teaching at a university seems like a pretty sweet gig. I'd much rather be talking about Jung's archetypes of Lacanian symbols or Postmodernity than teaching grammar to children. (So I think...but now I wonder, could I fill up three hours just talking about a novel the way my professor's can? Will I ever be able to? At least teaching kids you have structured materials and lesson plans.) I have a part-time job right now teaching adults which I thought was absolutely perfect when I got it. I can talk about anything I want. But I have to spend about an hour to prepare the lesson plan, and it seems I'm always anxious because its something else I have to do - one of the dozens of things I'm juggling. Teaching bushiban (cramschools) you just walk in, teach, and walk out. Nothing comes home with you.
At any rate: I'm allowing myself to be intimidated by the very highest examples, but the truth is there are lots of professors who aren't great teachers. And although I often feel like I'm not smart enough to be an "expert", I'm able to figure out what's going on most of the time - I can even read Derrida if I try hard enough. Which makes me feel that I'll always feel at home in a University.
Losing face
I just had a two hour private lesson with a young engineer who wants to improve his English. He's very friendly and very intelligent, we sit in a charming coffee bar eating sandwiches and going over GRE vocabulary and recent newstories. Part of me feels bad of course - I'm a native English speaker and people pay me a great deal of money just to talk with me. But, I charge the standard going rate, 600nt, less than what many charge for private lessons. And as teachers go, I'm probably pretty good. Although, I kept having to explain that GRE and TOEFL words are usually never used in conversation and that Americans also have to study hard to remember them all. (Defalcate, eviscerate, execrate - think you know what they mean? I was surprised when we looked them up in his electronic dictionary.) Also, people are looking for the fastest, best way to learn English well, and 1-on-1 conversation with a native is probably pretty good (although it depends a lot on the material.)
Several times tonight my student hinted time was up - but I was pretty sure it wasn't and besides, I don't care about the time because I was happy talking with him, trying to think up some American idioms. Finally however, we checked the clock, and it was already 30 minutes past the end of our session. I was surprised when he insisted on paying me for those 30 minutes - half of the hourly rate, 300nt. No, no! Of course not, it was my choice, my mistake not watching the time, it doesn't matter, I don't need it. But he'd already made change and was handing me the money. This is one of those complicated "Face" issues you hear about often in Chinese culture. Of course, I felt that I took the money too quickly - I did protest, but he insisted, and I gave in. Should I protest more? Absolutely refuse? Stalk out the door? Slap him in the face? At one point does one of us "win"? It was very nice of him to offer, but of course the money was unnecessary; this was a battle I should have won easily, but I generally avoid conflict and don't like making scenes, so... But now I feel bad. And I can't help but wonder if he feels bad for losing 300NT.
When my parents were visiting Taiwan, we went out to dinner with my former employees, a cute Taiwanese couple. After the meal, my parents insisted on paying, as did they. Finally, my parents paid - then in the parking lot, the Taiwanese called me over and gave me money for their half at least - I took it to my parents and they refused it, they had me chase the Taiwanese back to their car; the Taiwanese ran from me and slammed their doors. I took the money back to my parents again and they complained. My dad said "you made me lose face!" But somebody will always lose face. Wouldn't it be more generous to accept the loss and let the others win? Except that, then they, after winning, would probably resent the fact that they had to pay. What a silly world.
Several times tonight my student hinted time was up - but I was pretty sure it wasn't and besides, I don't care about the time because I was happy talking with him, trying to think up some American idioms. Finally however, we checked the clock, and it was already 30 minutes past the end of our session. I was surprised when he insisted on paying me for those 30 minutes - half of the hourly rate, 300nt. No, no! Of course not, it was my choice, my mistake not watching the time, it doesn't matter, I don't need it. But he'd already made change and was handing me the money. This is one of those complicated "Face" issues you hear about often in Chinese culture. Of course, I felt that I took the money too quickly - I did protest, but he insisted, and I gave in. Should I protest more? Absolutely refuse? Stalk out the door? Slap him in the face? At one point does one of us "win"? It was very nice of him to offer, but of course the money was unnecessary; this was a battle I should have won easily, but I generally avoid conflict and don't like making scenes, so... But now I feel bad. And I can't help but wonder if he feels bad for losing 300NT.
When my parents were visiting Taiwan, we went out to dinner with my former employees, a cute Taiwanese couple. After the meal, my parents insisted on paying, as did they. Finally, my parents paid - then in the parking lot, the Taiwanese called me over and gave me money for their half at least - I took it to my parents and they refused it, they had me chase the Taiwanese back to their car; the Taiwanese ran from me and slammed their doors. I took the money back to my parents again and they complained. My dad said "you made me lose face!" But somebody will always lose face. Wouldn't it be more generous to accept the loss and let the others win? Except that, then they, after winning, would probably resent the fact that they had to pay. What a silly world.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Strawberries and Bananas
Oh no. I've become one of those people that talks about their health and bowel movements all the time. Yuck. But, it seems to be the most common theme in my life these days - and I've also made (trying) to be healthy my top priority, so what I can and can't eat is often on my mind.I got very sick last week from beef - rice at a dingy restaurant; sick enough to finally go to the hospital and get some tests done. The reason I never go to the hospital here, incidentally, is that I have to get a number and sit and wait for several hours before I see anybody....which is how it went down this time as well. After first convincing the front desk that I wanted to see a gastro-internalist rather than a 'family doctor' because I already know what my problem is, I sat down and waited. Like all white people in Taiwan, however, I expect special treatment and can't stand to sit around and be ignored. I thought maybe I'd been given the wrong number, because according to my calculations, it would be at least another 2 hours before I could see anybody, and that was way too long. So I complained, and they sent me to the pediatrician, who was very nice and could schedule all the right tests. Ultrasound was clean, to my surprise, because I thought something could be wrong with my liver. Nope, must be something inside the stomach. Most likely, I've had a peptic ulcer for years which is why I throw up all the time.
I decided to fast this week. For the last 5 days I've had only fruit and vegetable juices. It was going pretty well until I ate a banana, which is a common migraine trigger, and I was sick again. Then today I had shaved ice with strawberries (usually I'm ok with sweets) and now I'm sick AGAIN....(if you get migraines, you can only eat very fresh cream, so you have to avoid any kind of milk or whey powder which is made from old milk.) I was feeling amazing, excellent, and euphoric after not eating for 5 days. Better than I've felt for a long time. But it didn't solve any of my problems.
The trick is to never eat a trigger food, which seems like it would be simple, but isn't. Although it seems like bananas and fresh fruit and all that healthy stuff would be good for my stomach, I'm actually better on packaged cookies and cake. I can eat tons of cake and not get sick. Cake all the time.
On an up note, today I went on a shopping spree and bought 5 pairs of jeans, and a luxury pair of linen pants. (Oh so comfortable!) I cleaned out my closet a little and packed away all my sweaters. It's getting pretty warm in Taiwan. I have a month left of school, and this summer I'm planning on working for a month in Korea, and then heading to Malaysia to watch my best friend Nick basejump off of cliffs.
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